Nothing to Show for It

A year and a half has passed by.  We roamed across five countries; we sweated on the humid plains of Nepal in September; we burned in the ultra-violet rays of the Ladakhi summer sun; we froze in unheated and protein-deficient ashrams in the mountain wastes at the source of Mother Ganga;  we endured fevers, giardia, grave and terrible flatulence,  rashes,  a bus accident, theft, overland border crossings into and out Nepal, the relentless noise and dust and feces that is Bodh Gaya during the high season.  And what do we have to show for it?  I ask you, what do we have to show for it?

Well, I'm 36 years old and I'm living with my parents. With my wife.    I've got the same job that I had when I left.  I've got many of the same problems too.   I suppose the fact that Juliann didn't leave me is something to my credit - though you can spin that any way you want really.   And then there are the photos (about 2000 - click here and take a look to see them all).   Some have said they're good.  Others suggested that I do more editing.  And then there is this rather paltry blog which remains motionless for weeks and months on end.

"But", people rush in to say, apparently motivated by kindly concern about my self-esteem,  "you had an important experience.  You'll remember it for the rest of your life."  At which point I hasten to remind them that memory is unreliable, tending as it does to fade and mutate, not to mention that it is not dependably pleasant.

People ask, how was your trip?

Great, I say.

Did you accomplish everything you set out to do?

Errr..eh..uh, I say.

Were you transformed?

Sorta kinda, I say.

So in what way?

Well for one thing, I say, experience is overrated.

  Oh.  And then a baffled silence descends followed by a change in subject, outright hostility, or occasionally, curiosity.  Well. What does that mean? Experience is overrated?!  When you left, Danny,  I was afraid you were going to come back full of just this kind of nonsense!     Just like in My Dinner with Andre  when Wallace Shawn is sitting politely listening to Andre (his once reliable but now kooky friend) tell about what he's been up to for the last few years.  What kind of Buddhist baloney is that?   Experience is overrated!?

Well, what I mean is very straightforward.   But one thing first.  I just want to make it absolutely clear that I in no way whatsoever - not in the least bit - identify with the Andre Gregory character in the movie.  But I digress. "Experience"  -  in the sense of exceptional,  important, exotic,  interesting, challenging, stirring, moving and generally fascinating sights, sounds, tastes, smells, touches  and ideas - is of value only to the extent that it shows us how we are not free.  And it turns out that crappy, unfulfilling, painful, and upsetting experiences are of great value as well so long as they are seen for what they truly are: inconstant, stressful and without any abiding self.  The big implication here is that there's no need to run off to acquire shiny experiences.  Yes, it is deeply, deeply ironic. Nor is it necessary to run away from the undesirable.  It is necessary only to stop contending with experience and to get curious about its nature.  To know about its nature is to know how experiences come and go.  What comes first? And then what? And then what?

Have you ever noticed that we don't actually control whether we like or dislike things in a particular moment.  We either do or we don't.  Like Chana Samosa.   It's good, it's good, it's good, and then one day, it's bad.   Same is true for the super burrito at Taqueria Cancun.   All of a sudden I just couldn't eat them anymore after years, literally years, of eating them.   And if a taste for a burrito that you've had for years is not dependable, what about other more complex things?  Like memories, preferences, or people?  The beauty is that the instability of all things cuts in the other direction as well.  How many times did the feared, hated, avoided situation, person, or event turn out to be a cause of joy, happiness, benefit, what have you?

When Juliann and I were on our way to a two month meditation course at Panditarama Forest Center in Burma last year, we ran into Steve Armstrong  and a friend of his at the Classique Inn in Yangon (a nice place to stay by the way - really friendly hosts and excellent Mohinga served for breakfast).  They were on their way up to Mandalay to build a school run by Sayadaw U Lakkhana.   Anyway, he had apparently spent several years with the teacher we were off to practice with. So we asked him if he had any advice for us.  He said with a congenial smile: Don't believe anything your mind tells you, and you'll be fine."  And it was good advice. It's too bad I didn't heed it!

Another way of saying the same thing might be this:  it is unprofitable to judge one's experience; but it is highly profitable to evaluate it.  Or as my granddaddy Lou used to say: good or bad, it's all grist for the mill.  Well, at least it is the kind of thing he might have said.

Comments

[David]

Hi Danny and Juliann, great post! I hope the line "And if a taste for a burrito that you've had for years is not dependable, what about other more complex things?" becomes a classic rallying cry of the San Francisco Mission District Buddhist community!

The pictures are great but I long for a personal narration in person before too long!

[Dave]

Some years ago in Bodhgaya I heard Martin quoting the Buddha, "The unwise seek experiences, while the wise seek to understand the nature of experience." That became kind of a mantra for me for a long time, and I'm still pondering it.

What would a life well lived look like? One where we bounced from one pleasant (and frequently superficial) experience to the next? Racking up "fun points" and avoiding anything that's not enjoyable? Much of Western culture seems to be pursuing just that.

So, if it's not that, and not even the accumulation of deep experience, then what is it? My current, long-standing conundrum, for which I have no mantra: What DOES matter? What really makes a difference? Perhaps the question is the mantra.

Love the post! Thanks so much for sharing.

Dave

[Sean Fargo]

Beautiful post. I may order a burrito today with empty phenomenon. Ehipasiko! Ehipasiko! Ehipasiko! Hope your meditation is going well in Nepal.